June 12, 2026

It is currently 2:46 in the afternoon, 80 degrees Fahrenheit, and a Friday.

I genuinely hate Fridays. I feel like something always goes wrong on them. I always end up hating myself. I always hate the weekends that follow it.

Anyways, school has ended for me in May. But my friends in the city don't end until today. I've been in the city since the end of my school year.

The very first seconds of my morning was fine. But then mmy boyfriend asked to see me. I was nervous, we can't really see each other per say. But I always try to. I try to see him, which is usually with unconventional methods. I was scared and nervous, but I still left.

When I got there, I just cried. It was just from being nervous at first, but then he said we don't have to do anything if I don't want to. Which just made me feel terrible. I knew what he wanted, and I knew what I wanted too. We wanted the same thing. And I feel like such a failure for just crying only. Just sobbing. I knew he'd be disappointed had we didn't. I was still nervous, I was still crying. And so I made a move, because I wanted it too.

In the end, I was sort of rushing. I kept checking my phone, because I was nervous. But it upset him. He said it felt as if I was waiting for someone else to text me. Like my attention wasn't on him. Like I didn't like him enough to be there and really be there. I was nervous, obviously. But I really did want to be there. That's why I went. And yet, I feel like I failed.

I failed him and myself. I can't even get him to realize how I really feel for him. I've been a terrible girlfriend and just terrible person to him lately. I don't try to be, I just am. I'm trying to change, but I don't know what to do. He says it's because I don't actually like him, that I would do things in a heartbeat for people I like. And I hate when he says that, I feel like he undermines a lot of how I feel. But I understand too, I know where he's coming from. If I wanted to, I would. If I felt like it, I would. If I really loved him, I would. That kind of logic.

And I hate that I understand it. Maybe I didn't before, but I do now. I understand why he feels as if I don't like him. I'm terrible to him. And honestly, I'm surprised he's dealt with me for so long.

But now, he says he gets why I've been the way I have. But I do value him. He's the most important thing to me. I cherish him. And I feel like I can't live without him. He's my fix, my drug.

But what do I even do? He hates me. I feel like he does. The look in his eyes, the words he said, the things he texted to me after. I really feel like he was disappointed. Like he's done with me. That he just thinks maybe I'm better off without him, or maybe that he's better off without me. I dunno.

I went to prove myself to him. I wanted to show him that he does matter to me, and I would do things for him. But I failed. All my efforts go to waste because I couldn't be attentive enough. And instead, I showed him he's not enough. I'm such a shitty girlfriend. And a worthless person.

I couldn't prove my worth to him, and I couldn't prove it to myself. I've failed as a person. And I hate nothing more than useless people, I think they should all just die.

It doesn't seem too much of a bad idea.

I've already tried to overdose last week, in fact it would be my second time doing it. No one knows, no one except him of course. I try not to show people a worthless side of myself. Unfortuneatly, maybe my body can handle a lot of pills. Well, actually I probably just didn't use the right ones.

But I hate myself. I really do.

A part of me still lingers for hope. Something to grab onto.

But I think I'm a fool.

Worthless people shouldn't exist.

I'm a total screw up.

Maybe he's better off without soemone like me. I feel like I'd just keep hurting him. I wouldn't be enough, and maybe I can't do enough. But I love him so much. He's my everything.

I don't know what to do.

But maybe dying would be best for me.

-R.

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