Sage

The name "Sage" stems from what she reminds me of. Her entire aura just screams green, and specifically a sage green. Hence, the name Sage. (And her favorite color is green too!) Her birthday is January 29th, and she's the same age as me.

She was one of the first people who caught my eye when I moved here. For one, I noticed she was a redhead, her style was really cool, and that she was pretty. I mean, the first thing she said when she noticed I was the new kid was "Ew", and her friend said "Don't be mean!" I mean, I knew it wasn't meant in a mean way. I didn't take offense by it, I actually found it amusing.

Anyways, that day there was a test and then we did an activity were you agree, kinda agree, kinda disagree, and disagree about a statement. It was there where I noticed what kind of person she was, well I got a hint. Anyways, I asked if that was her real hair color, and she said yes. I said I liked her hair, to which she replied, "Thanks, I grew this weeve myself." Or something similar to that. It was funny. I had my next class with her, and she helped me find where my seat was (she saw the seating chart and I did not).

I think the next impression I had of her was that she was negative. And I wasn't sure if I really rocked with that. She was cynical, and I felt like maybe I shouldn't talk to someone like that.

Something happened inbetween then right befpre winter break. Like, a couple weeks I think. I think I began to start to take a liking to her, even if I thought was a little negative. I thought she was still charming and she was pretty funny. I did also realize how expressive she is in her face, and how she is NOT in her voice.

As winter break was coming, I had a thought of how I wouldn't mind being her friend. Well, the actual thought was, "If I was into girls, I think I would have a crush on her." Which is pretty gay of me actually, but I don't think that much anymore. I just thought she was pretty cool.

Now, I DON'T KNOW what happened in winter break, but I really wanted to be her friend. Like I don't remember exactly whatI thought, but I know somewhere in the weeks that followed winter break I started to want to be her friend. I thought she was really cool, and I wanted to be her friend. I do remember her saying like I'm intruging to her, to which I was happy about.

Uh, it soon started to become something weird to me. Like, I started getting really nervous around this girl. Like actually. Like in a crush way. Like I'd get nervous and giddy, and I hated it so much. But when I thought about it, couple stuff or thinking about romantic things with her in mind just made me feel nasty. Like, I didn't want to do those things with her. I just really wanted to be in her presence and I wanted to be friends with her really bad.

Now, I don't remember if we became friends before or after I started having that weird friend crush, but we were friends. Like, she asked me to be friends. Which was funny. I think I was in the beginning stages of that nervous friend thing now that I think about it. Anyways, she sat at my lunch table and she was talking. And we somehow got on the topic of Wattpad or AO3, and I mentioned if she did read AO3, I feel like she'd read some celebrity thing. She said how she appreciates the fact that I think she's cool, and I did tell her she is cool. She then explained how she used to read Wikipedia as a kid because she didn't really have friends. She's literally a certified Wikipedia editior. We talked a little bit and she just goes, "Do you want to be friends?" I replied, "Yes" and then she asked what my favorite color was, hers is green. I said red or blue, and so we were friends.

Anyways, this friend crush thing (..I think it's called a squish.??) just kept getting worse. And I swear I was just becoming so creepy. And I hate it. Anyways, the end of the semester was coming up. This meant that there's a very very good chance that I wouldn't have a class with her. And for whatever reason, it just made me really really sad to think about. I didn't want to just stop talking to her because we don't have anymore classes. I liked this girl. The last day of the term, I asked for her socials and if I could add her. The night before I was rehearsing and thinking about how I should ask her. I was nervous and anxious about worried about how she'd reply to me asking her for her socials. But when I did, I was glad that she didn't mind. And I was so happy that I brought myself to do that.

I texted her after school, and it was one of the best conversations that I've had over text in a while. Like the little weirdo I am, I kpet trying to continue the conversation with her. I enjoyed my time with her. I think maybe I might've come on strong, or weird. I dunno, I was just hoping maybe I didn't scare her away.

Turned out she was in my class next semester, and I couldn't be happier. I've been trying to talk to her more, since it's something I really want to do.

We've talked. We text. We laugh.

I think I creep her out. And I'm afraid that she'd hate me. Or I'm afraid I'd say something wrong. I usually think how I don't care what other people think, but I really really care about what this girl thinks of me. I always feel so lame with her. I feel like such a pick me. I feel like I need to perform, or that I'm not entertaining to her. Like I'm not enough or something. And I don't know why. I really think she's very much above me. Like, she's way too cool for me. I've never been so nervous to talk to someone or been so concious about myself. And like, it's not even her fault. I'm 1000% sure she doesn't even care. But I'm always under the assumption that she'd just hate me. Or maybe she doesn't like me. Like I'm really worried that she won't.

I mean she talks to me. But she talks to everyone. And it worries me. But I'm really sure she doesn't care, but I'm convinced she will.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I find my fondness of her strange. Whenever I talk to her, she reminds me of myself. But more specifically, a part of myself that I'm ashamed of. Like, deep down, she reminds me of a part of myself that I hate so much. And at the same time, I'm so very fond of her. And it's confusing. I think I like how she can represent the things I hate most, and she does it so unapologetically. She is just herself. And I think it reminds me that maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself, because if I like her, and she is like me, then maybe it must mean I like myself too. And I like that idea.

She's a great person. She really is. I care for her, like in a very maternal way. Although, I do think she's the type to not like to be cared for in that regard. Even so, I do love her. There is a place in my heart for her, and I appreciate whenever she makes my bad mornings better. Because that's what she does. And I like talking and being by her, even if I don't feel enough or like I don't belong there exactly. I enjoy what she has to bring, and I hope she knows it.

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